21/06/2019 journal entry

Yesterday was rough. I don't know why, but I started worrying about having diastolic heart failure again. I wanted to make an appointment with my cardiologist ASAP, because it's ridiculous that I can't just talk to him over the phone and instead I'm stuck with some nurse. Then my stomach was upset in the morning, which was cool and had me worrying about C. diff again. So I spent a lot of the day super depressed and crying. When it occurred to me that I have my period, I decided to pass off my upset stomach as hormonal. Because that is a lot easier to deal with than C. diff. Either way, I guess I'll be bringing it up to the new GI doctor. I just have no idea how I'm going to survive an hour car ride with this crap.

My resting heart rate has been abnormally fast lately too. I don't know if it's stress, me being inconsistent with my meds, my body not processing my meds properly (due to GI issues - I swear my Intuniv hasn't been working as well as it normally does), dehydration, autoimmune flare up, or a weird combination of things. Deep breathing hasn't helped.

My blood pressure's higher too (although probably nothing serious). My blood pressure normally runs low, and so does my resting heart rate. I've been taking less Ritalin lately (because of the GI stuff - less food = less Ritalin) and I haven't taken any since the other day/night, so something is definitely off. I feel calmer today, so I can't understand why my heart rate and blood pressure are still so high. Hopefully with hydration it'll calm down.

So far today, I learned what I need to do to defer one of my loans (which I thought was already in forebearance. Thanks for the surprise, government). Just waiting for my girlfriend to print out the document (as we don't have a printer, she needs to do that at her job), and I need her to scan some documents that I need to send them as proof that I'm Truly Poor. Looking at the documents gave me a lot of anxiety, because they give you a limit on how much time you can put off paying your loans. Like gee, sorry I got sick in my 20s and not middle/old age like I'm supposed to? Lol. That makes me want to kill myself too. Like it's not bad enough that I'm sick, but there's still pressure on me not to be sick.

It's the summer solstace, and I can't enjoy it like a normal person. But I do appreciate it. I like how it's the longest day of the year. I cannot stand the fall and winter and early spring. It's too dark and cold and sad and miserable and disgusting and dead.

According to the weather people, it's supposed to suck real bad later. I HATE it when we get bad weather. Always a fun anxiety trigger. I try to tell myself that if a tornado hits, there's nothing I can do about it. If I die, I die. But I don't particularly like pain. I don't like knowing that I might be in a ton of pain before I die; that the death might not be instant. And MANDY. How about we not put my cat in dangerous situations? Thanks.

Oh, and I found out I need to return a book to school. You know, the school that's an hour and a half away, since they won't let me renew the book. Thanks. No idea how that's going to work.

Anyway, I guess that's it for this entry.

so it seems like my new therapist wants me to keep a journal. i don't know if i'll continue seeing her, but for now i might as well be compliant.


so i saw aliceson on monday. it ended up annoying me for a lot of reasons, most of which i stated in my dbt support group. after obsessing over the appointment over and over, i've come to the conclusion that i apparently blanked out during my therapy session, since there are so many things i would've just said if i were asked the questions over the computer, for example. i don't like it because i cannot express myself accurately.

did anything happen yesterday? i can't remember.

nevermind, it's coming back to me. i was severely depressed all day. severely. i was looking up suicide-related stuff. no, i will not use the suicide hotline because it's extremely draining and makes me more depressed and suicidal. i know it does, it happens every time. how am i supposed to feel better when the suicide hotline recommends things i've done that haven't worked, things i cannot do, and they cannot solve my problems? why should repeating all the things that make me miserable make me feel better? that makes no sense. not to mention, i have periods (usually during chronic illness flares) where i'm suicidal every day. so i'm just supposed to call the hotline every day? especially when i know i'm not a danger to myself and i could very easily be taking resources from someone who is? ridiculous. not happening.

my stomach hurt all day today. again. it's been about a week now. i called about my medicaid renewal over and over, no one picked up. so we went and did it in person. at least that's out of the way.

where is the lapidot on this new hellsite

how to content on new hellsite???????